Glimmer of Hope

Unbelievably and unexpectedly, I broke down and told Damion nearly everything I've been feeling...

How I feel like God is nowhere to be found... unreachable...

Sure, in mind, I know he's there... like always... but I've cried out for his touch... to know He's there and nothing but pain comes forth. Emptiness.

I cry and beg and still nothing. Why is He being so silent in my hour of need? Maybe He isn't... maybe I'm just not good at listening...

How do I know that what I'm hearing is not my own voice?

I asked myself in the beginning of this month, what is the purpose of Damion's presence in my life... then and now. Is it all a big coincidence... just the way that life happens? or did the Lord put Damion in my life for a greater purpose in mind?

Is God playing some sick joke? I've got this great guy and for the first year we've had next to no spiritual growth, something I always thought was essential in a relationship... but I found someone who is SO completely different in theology (from me and everything I've ever known to be true) that it's caused me to question my own faith on several occasions.

The same questions keep coming to mind:

How can we both have a faith that is so different when God seeks unity in the body of Christ? Is one of us missing the mark?

Of course, it must be him... I've known the truth all along. He's just a Christian in a Catholic church... there's no way in the world that God would call me to be a Catholic! If this is going to work, Damion is going to have to change or we're going to have to find a common ground.

Guess what? Common ground is nearly impossible when you're dealing with absolute truth. Someone has to be wrong... not entirely, but in part...

For nearly a year, I've red-flagged anything that was remotely Catholic. I was annoyed, frustrated, and tested... and much of that time we've spent completely avoiding the subject.

But what if I'm the one that needs to change? I've asked, "Why, God, did you bring us together only to fight about the one thing we should agree on?" And, admittedly, I've thought it might be best to end it and wait for someone who thinks like me...

Then it came... the pit of my despair... the feeling as if God had abondoned me. It's unebelievable even to me, to think that I lack faith... but I do... and it's breaking my heart.

I've begged God to reveal himself... to show me where to go. I spent a few days defending the "Protestant" viewpoint on a forum, posting "good" stuff to refute the Catholic teachings but something in me changed. I suddenly wanted to learn instead of argue. I abandoned the forum and began looking into what the Catholic church "actually" teaches.

Much to my surprise, as many others have done, I've found nothing that seems too out of line, at least once I stepped outside of my anti-Catholic box and set aside everything I'd already thought true about the Catholic church.

So now, my question is, "If I am to truly believe in God and His will and perfection, and if He said he would protect his church from Hades, then I must, in all logic, assume that He protected the Catholic church for 1500 years, since it is ALL THERE WAS until Martin Luther... The only other way to see it is that God abondoned His church and did not keep his promise... and that's not a God I would want to follow."

So I'm left with a choice. Believe that God does in fact exist and is in fact perfect and does keep his promises - OR - Believe that God does not exist, which I cannot accept.

But does this come to mind because a part of me simply wants to agree with Damion? or is it because this is where God has led me and he is answering my question as to WHY in the world he would bring Damion and I together?

I lack joy and I lack faith... Two things I do not want to live my life without. Is God trying to tell me that this is where I need to be? In the Catholic church? What if I enter the church and I still find no joy? no faith? What will happen to me if I never find what I am seeking in God?

Should I be stepping out in faith? I've BEGGED to feel his arms around me... is this what it feels like?

What will I do with all the disappointment I will suffer from my family? Is this my chance to show them that I AM capable? How do you show your faith to your family when you feel you have none?

Will entering the Catholic church bring me a deeper understanding of God... will it show me how much more to honor and love Him? Will it be a wise move for my children? I have to think about them as well. Will they be happy? Will the teaching they receive from the Catholic church grow them up to be lovers of God? Will they know grace? Will they have a heart that wants to serve God?

I've considered taking the RCIA classes in the fall... I have a meeting with a lady at the church I've been attending with Damion on Wednesday night... and I've left a message to speak with someone about marriage annullment, since that is what I'll need to do in order to one day marry Damion validly, which would be the desire of my heart.

I asked my mother if she ever received a certificate from my baptism. She doesn't remember and wouldn't even know where to look for it if there IS one. Glad it was such an important event.

Logically, this seems like the right thing to do but I'm a bit scared... I'll be leaving behind everything I've ever know to be true... BUT I will be keeping what is most important... my faith... and all the essentials that are still the same.

Will my family accept this? And If they don't, will God see me through? Will he make himself evident to me?

I feel as if I'm seeing a glimmer of hope... is it me? or is it God's guidance?

Am I deciding too soon?

Journey

I absolutely struggle with the concept that God can fix, heal or solve anything. Thing is, even though I know he CAN, I always doubt that he WILL. I also know how little effort I put into believing that he will...

It is difficult for me to admit that my head knowledge does not often reach my heart. Easy for me to tell someone else to pray about something but when it comes to myself, I don't because I don't believe it will make any difference whatsoever. Prayer often feels like an empty one-sided conversation...

I read otherwise, see otherwise, know in my head otherwise... but cannot seem to apply it to my own life and problems... as if they are too big and God is unwilling... They aren't too big but I still don't know if God is willing. I cannot know if God is willing if I don't surrender it to Him... but to be honest, I do not know how to do that and on an even more honest level, I fear the response for such obedience.

I hate to admit it but I question my faith right now more than I ever have before and more than I ever thought I would. I almost feel that in the big picture, I nearly lack faith completely at this point... and although I want to turn it around, I feel like I lack something necessary... perhaps the faith itself.

I have never felt such self-loathing, despair, hopelessness and helplessness. I find joy in very few things. Perhaps He is breaking me... I feel devastation with nothing to feel devastated about except the lack of faith itself... it pains and saddens me very deeply.

But I cannot give up.... though I'd like to just cease to exist... to walk away... to push aside the reality of God and His great existence, I can't. I know Him to be True... to be unfailing, loving, sacrificial... the Savior. This life is not an accident. My problems, my doubts, my fears... they all serve a purpose. God has given them to me with a long-term purpose in mind... something I prayed for long ago. The only thing I have faith in right now is that I will not be in "this place" forever...

While sitting in service on Sunday, my faithlessness and all, there was a small and fleeting moment where the Holy Spirit touched me. I nearly burst into tears but quickly pushed it aside. It hurts... I don't want to be broken. I don't want to break. I don't want to feel the pain of it all... I don't want to face the reality... so I just keep ignoring it, pretending all is well. "I'll be fine."

I tell myself to just work it out on my own. "Don't tell anyone... no one will understand..."

But I realize I'm putting God in a box... limiting what He is capable of doing and his awesomeness.

Written May 8, 2006

It seems I've embarked on a journey of faith... one that has come with so many questions. May 8 was when I put into words what I've felt off and on for quite some time.

With as much gusto and passion as I had within me, I began my pursuit (last week) of what is true. Though much has been weighing on my mind for much longer.

How can we know what is true when there are so many different doctrines floating around? At first, my search kept me far from Catholicism as I've always been taught and always felt that there was something just "not right" about Catholicism. I've always been told that Catholicism can produce "saved" Christians but most often does not and that if they were truly saved, they would eventually find their way out of the Catholic church and all its idolatry and false teachings...

Due to all of this, there are many issues I am facing in my study of Catholicism in hopes to find that I am gravely mistaken...

Marian doctrines
Indulgences
Sacrifice of the Mass
Purgatory
Sacred Tradition WITH Sacred Scripture

This only names a few of them...

How am I to know whether or not the early Church Fathers did not screw up the "traditions"? If the whole Mary thing is not actually idolatry, then what is it and why? How are they able to make such claims of Mary, such as perpetual virginity, immacculate conception, etc?

There are so many questions...

Then there is the emotional aspect of things. I am feeling that I may likely not continue in the non-denominational faith... that when all is said and done, I may end up elsewhere... far from where I've been. Considering the normal position on other denominations that are held by my family, any change will be a blow. It will suddenly be about them... not about MY faith or my growth as a Christian.

But I'm not growing now... and I haven't been growing for quite a long time. I heard it put well that when you believe that once you are saved, you are always saved, it nearly keeps you from living your life the way you were called to live it. You don't fear God because you know you are "saved". But I am thinking now that this is not the way it was intended. We should not be resting solely on that idea. There must be something more.

Every Christian would agree that being "good" is essential to the faith... is this not works and faith? The faith saves while the works are an expression of that faith. If you have no good works, how can you have saving faith?

It seems as if you cannot have one without the other. You must have faith and good works... each by itself is dead.

I have no peace in this journey. Sometimes, I find I am bothered by mere "terms" and "churchy" words. The churches I've attended for the major part of my life have been considered "seeker-sensitive" and they avoid the use of "churchy" words in order to reach everyone where they are at. While I agree with this to an extent, I am beginning to see how faulty this can be. It allows the Christian too much room to be a part of the world around him... There is supposed to be a noticeable difference between Christians and the rest of the world... so why are some trying so hard to fit in with them? We are beginning to lose focus on Christ and what he did for us.

Faith is also not a one time deal. It is a lifelong, life-changing committment that must be worked at continuously. I believe the "once-saved-always-saved" attitude often prevents Christians from growing... individually, within friendships and in their marriages. How easy it is not to build on a spiritual relationship with your spouse if you can simply rest in the fact that you are both "saved"...

I believe the lack of peace I am feeling is essential for my growth while I search for the truth. I don't know where I'll end up when all is said and done but I do know that there are things that are not making much sense to me within the confines of my own non-denominationalism. One thing that keeps popping in my mind is the fact that nothing but Catholicism (at least nothing major) existed until about 500 years ago. Could they have been wrong all that time when they can trace their beginnings to the time of Jesus? The Bible promised that God would protect His church. Am I to believe that all they practiced and taught all those years was incorrect? Wouldn't that mean I'd have to believe that God did not protect the church? That would make him a liar... and would force me to denounce my faith in Him altogether.

Sure, there were times of corruption and you can still find that to this day ANYWHERE... and in all denominations. But if God is protecting his church as he said he would, then essentially all must be as its meant to be.

Admittedly, this has forced me to look deeper into Catholicism and lay aside anything outside of it. Everything outside of it is so divided and chaotic, it's astounding... even to the point that churches are completely losing all morality and doctrine for the sake of society and its pressures.

While I look at all the questions I have individually to try to come to some sort of understanding, I am finding that I may end up having to put my faith and trust in God and where he is leading me. I feel as if he is somewhat distant right now... but for the first time in a long time, I don't fear the answers so much... In fact, I welcome them. I am looking forward to a resolution to the problem of my shaken faith. I want to be focused and to find the joy I've been missing for so long.

How will others understand? How will I ever be able to explain to them that this is my own faith journey... not about them... not about denominations... but about where God himself is taking ME.

I simply want to be open for Him to move me as he wills. For all I know that may bring me right back where I started but it's not the "place" I am searching for... its the joy that God promised me that I long for, where he may lead me and wherever I may find it.

So be it.