Glimmer of Hope

Unbelievably and unexpectedly, I broke down and told Damion nearly everything I've been feeling...

How I feel like God is nowhere to be found... unreachable...

Sure, in mind, I know he's there... like always... but I've cried out for his touch... to know He's there and nothing but pain comes forth. Emptiness.

I cry and beg and still nothing. Why is He being so silent in my hour of need? Maybe He isn't... maybe I'm just not good at listening...

How do I know that what I'm hearing is not my own voice?

I asked myself in the beginning of this month, what is the purpose of Damion's presence in my life... then and now. Is it all a big coincidence... just the way that life happens? or did the Lord put Damion in my life for a greater purpose in mind?

Is God playing some sick joke? I've got this great guy and for the first year we've had next to no spiritual growth, something I always thought was essential in a relationship... but I found someone who is SO completely different in theology (from me and everything I've ever known to be true) that it's caused me to question my own faith on several occasions.

The same questions keep coming to mind:

How can we both have a faith that is so different when God seeks unity in the body of Christ? Is one of us missing the mark?

Of course, it must be him... I've known the truth all along. He's just a Christian in a Catholic church... there's no way in the world that God would call me to be a Catholic! If this is going to work, Damion is going to have to change or we're going to have to find a common ground.

Guess what? Common ground is nearly impossible when you're dealing with absolute truth. Someone has to be wrong... not entirely, but in part...

For nearly a year, I've red-flagged anything that was remotely Catholic. I was annoyed, frustrated, and tested... and much of that time we've spent completely avoiding the subject.

But what if I'm the one that needs to change? I've asked, "Why, God, did you bring us together only to fight about the one thing we should agree on?" And, admittedly, I've thought it might be best to end it and wait for someone who thinks like me...

Then it came... the pit of my despair... the feeling as if God had abondoned me. It's unebelievable even to me, to think that I lack faith... but I do... and it's breaking my heart.

I've begged God to reveal himself... to show me where to go. I spent a few days defending the "Protestant" viewpoint on a forum, posting "good" stuff to refute the Catholic teachings but something in me changed. I suddenly wanted to learn instead of argue. I abandoned the forum and began looking into what the Catholic church "actually" teaches.

Much to my surprise, as many others have done, I've found nothing that seems too out of line, at least once I stepped outside of my anti-Catholic box and set aside everything I'd already thought true about the Catholic church.

So now, my question is, "If I am to truly believe in God and His will and perfection, and if He said he would protect his church from Hades, then I must, in all logic, assume that He protected the Catholic church for 1500 years, since it is ALL THERE WAS until Martin Luther... The only other way to see it is that God abondoned His church and did not keep his promise... and that's not a God I would want to follow."

So I'm left with a choice. Believe that God does in fact exist and is in fact perfect and does keep his promises - OR - Believe that God does not exist, which I cannot accept.

But does this come to mind because a part of me simply wants to agree with Damion? or is it because this is where God has led me and he is answering my question as to WHY in the world he would bring Damion and I together?

I lack joy and I lack faith... Two things I do not want to live my life without. Is God trying to tell me that this is where I need to be? In the Catholic church? What if I enter the church and I still find no joy? no faith? What will happen to me if I never find what I am seeking in God?

Should I be stepping out in faith? I've BEGGED to feel his arms around me... is this what it feels like?

What will I do with all the disappointment I will suffer from my family? Is this my chance to show them that I AM capable? How do you show your faith to your family when you feel you have none?

Will entering the Catholic church bring me a deeper understanding of God... will it show me how much more to honor and love Him? Will it be a wise move for my children? I have to think about them as well. Will they be happy? Will the teaching they receive from the Catholic church grow them up to be lovers of God? Will they know grace? Will they have a heart that wants to serve God?

I've considered taking the RCIA classes in the fall... I have a meeting with a lady at the church I've been attending with Damion on Wednesday night... and I've left a message to speak with someone about marriage annullment, since that is what I'll need to do in order to one day marry Damion validly, which would be the desire of my heart.

I asked my mother if she ever received a certificate from my baptism. She doesn't remember and wouldn't even know where to look for it if there IS one. Glad it was such an important event.

Logically, this seems like the right thing to do but I'm a bit scared... I'll be leaving behind everything I've ever know to be true... BUT I will be keeping what is most important... my faith... and all the essentials that are still the same.

Will my family accept this? And If they don't, will God see me through? Will he make himself evident to me?

I feel as if I'm seeing a glimmer of hope... is it me? or is it God's guidance?

Am I deciding too soon?