Journey
I absolutely struggle with the concept that God can fix, heal or solve anything. Thing is, even though I know he CAN, I always doubt that he WILL. I also know how little effort I put into believing that he will...
It is difficult for me to admit that my head knowledge does not often reach my heart. Easy for me to tell someone else to pray about something but when it comes to myself, I don't because I don't believe it will make any difference whatsoever. Prayer often feels like an empty one-sided conversation...
I read otherwise, see otherwise, know in my head otherwise... but cannot seem to apply it to my own life and problems... as if they are too big and God is unwilling... They aren't too big but I still don't know if God is willing. I cannot know if God is willing if I don't surrender it to Him... but to be honest, I do not know how to do that and on an even more honest level, I fear the response for such obedience.
I hate to admit it but I question my faith right now more than I ever have before and more than I ever thought I would. I almost feel that in the big picture, I nearly lack faith completely at this point... and although I want to turn it around, I feel like I lack something necessary... perhaps the faith itself.
I have never felt such self-loathing, despair, hopelessness and helplessness. I find joy in very few things. Perhaps He is breaking me... I feel devastation with nothing to feel devastated about except the lack of faith itself... it pains and saddens me very deeply.
But I cannot give up.... though I'd like to just cease to exist... to walk away... to push aside the reality of God and His great existence, I can't. I know Him to be True... to be unfailing, loving, sacrificial... the Savior. This life is not an accident. My problems, my doubts, my fears... they all serve a purpose. God has given them to me with a long-term purpose in mind... something I prayed for long ago. The only thing I have faith in right now is that I will not be in "this place" forever...
While sitting in service on Sunday, my faithlessness and all, there was a small and fleeting moment where the Holy Spirit touched me. I nearly burst into tears but quickly pushed it aside. It hurts... I don't want to be broken. I don't want to break. I don't want to feel the pain of it all... I don't want to face the reality... so I just keep ignoring it, pretending all is well. "I'll be fine."
I tell myself to just work it out on my own. "Don't tell anyone... no one will understand..."
But I realize I'm putting God in a box... limiting what He is capable of doing and his awesomeness.
Written May 8, 2006
It seems I've embarked on a journey of faith... one that has come with so many questions. May 8 was when I put into words what I've felt off and on for quite some time.
With as much gusto and passion as I had within me, I began my pursuit (last week) of what is true. Though much has been weighing on my mind for much longer.
How can we know what is true when there are so many different doctrines floating around? At first, my search kept me far from Catholicism as I've always been taught and always felt that there was something just "not right" about Catholicism. I've always been told that Catholicism can produce "saved" Christians but most often does not and that if they were truly saved, they would eventually find their way out of the Catholic church and all its idolatry and false teachings...
Due to all of this, there are many issues I am facing in my study of Catholicism in hopes to find that I am gravely mistaken...
Marian doctrines
Indulgences
Sacrifice of the Mass
Purgatory
Sacred Tradition WITH Sacred Scripture
This only names a few of them...
How am I to know whether or not the early Church Fathers did not screw up the "traditions"? If the whole Mary thing is not actually idolatry, then what is it and why? How are they able to make such claims of Mary, such as perpetual virginity, immacculate conception, etc?
There are so many questions...
Then there is the emotional aspect of things. I am feeling that I may likely not continue in the non-denominational faith... that when all is said and done, I may end up elsewhere... far from where I've been. Considering the normal position on other denominations that are held by my family, any change will be a blow. It will suddenly be about them... not about MY faith or my growth as a Christian.
But I'm not growing now... and I haven't been growing for quite a long time. I heard it put well that when you believe that once you are saved, you are always saved, it nearly keeps you from living your life the way you were called to live it. You don't fear God because you know you are "saved". But I am thinking now that this is not the way it was intended. We should not be resting solely on that idea. There must be something more.
Every Christian would agree that being "good" is essential to the faith... is this not works and faith? The faith saves while the works are an expression of that faith. If you have no good works, how can you have saving faith?
It seems as if you cannot have one without the other. You must have faith and good works... each by itself is dead.
I have no peace in this journey. Sometimes, I find I am bothered by mere "terms" and "churchy" words. The churches I've attended for the major part of my life have been considered "seeker-sensitive" and they avoid the use of "churchy" words in order to reach everyone where they are at. While I agree with this to an extent, I am beginning to see how faulty this can be. It allows the Christian too much room to be a part of the world around him... There is supposed to be a noticeable difference between Christians and the rest of the world... so why are some trying so hard to fit in with them? We are beginning to lose focus on Christ and what he did for us.
Faith is also not a one time deal. It is a lifelong, life-changing committment that must be worked at continuously. I believe the "once-saved-always-saved" attitude often prevents Christians from growing... individually, within friendships and in their marriages. How easy it is not to build on a spiritual relationship with your spouse if you can simply rest in the fact that you are both "saved"...
I believe the lack of peace I am feeling is essential for my growth while I search for the truth. I don't know where I'll end up when all is said and done but I do know that there are things that are not making much sense to me within the confines of my own non-denominationalism. One thing that keeps popping in my mind is the fact that nothing but Catholicism (at least nothing major) existed until about 500 years ago. Could they have been wrong all that time when they can trace their beginnings to the time of Jesus? The Bible promised that God would protect His church. Am I to believe that all they practiced and taught all those years was incorrect? Wouldn't that mean I'd have to believe that God did not protect the church? That would make him a liar... and would force me to denounce my faith in Him altogether.
Sure, there were times of corruption and you can still find that to this day ANYWHERE... and in all denominations. But if God is protecting his church as he said he would, then essentially all must be as its meant to be.
Admittedly, this has forced me to look deeper into Catholicism and lay aside anything outside of it. Everything outside of it is so divided and chaotic, it's astounding... even to the point that churches are completely losing all morality and doctrine for the sake of society and its pressures.
While I look at all the questions I have individually to try to come to some sort of understanding, I am finding that I may end up having to put my faith and trust in God and where he is leading me. I feel as if he is somewhat distant right now... but for the first time in a long time, I don't fear the answers so much... In fact, I welcome them. I am looking forward to a resolution to the problem of my shaken faith. I want to be focused and to find the joy I've been missing for so long.
How will others understand? How will I ever be able to explain to them that this is my own faith journey... not about them... not about denominations... but about where God himself is taking ME.
I simply want to be open for Him to move me as he wills. For all I know that may bring me right back where I started but it's not the "place" I am searching for... its the joy that God promised me that I long for, where he may lead me and wherever I may find it.
So be it.
It is difficult for me to admit that my head knowledge does not often reach my heart. Easy for me to tell someone else to pray about something but when it comes to myself, I don't because I don't believe it will make any difference whatsoever. Prayer often feels like an empty one-sided conversation...
I read otherwise, see otherwise, know in my head otherwise... but cannot seem to apply it to my own life and problems... as if they are too big and God is unwilling... They aren't too big but I still don't know if God is willing. I cannot know if God is willing if I don't surrender it to Him... but to be honest, I do not know how to do that and on an even more honest level, I fear the response for such obedience.
I hate to admit it but I question my faith right now more than I ever have before and more than I ever thought I would. I almost feel that in the big picture, I nearly lack faith completely at this point... and although I want to turn it around, I feel like I lack something necessary... perhaps the faith itself.
I have never felt such self-loathing, despair, hopelessness and helplessness. I find joy in very few things. Perhaps He is breaking me... I feel devastation with nothing to feel devastated about except the lack of faith itself... it pains and saddens me very deeply.
But I cannot give up.... though I'd like to just cease to exist... to walk away... to push aside the reality of God and His great existence, I can't. I know Him to be True... to be unfailing, loving, sacrificial... the Savior. This life is not an accident. My problems, my doubts, my fears... they all serve a purpose. God has given them to me with a long-term purpose in mind... something I prayed for long ago. The only thing I have faith in right now is that I will not be in "this place" forever...
While sitting in service on Sunday, my faithlessness and all, there was a small and fleeting moment where the Holy Spirit touched me. I nearly burst into tears but quickly pushed it aside. It hurts... I don't want to be broken. I don't want to break. I don't want to feel the pain of it all... I don't want to face the reality... so I just keep ignoring it, pretending all is well. "I'll be fine."
I tell myself to just work it out on my own. "Don't tell anyone... no one will understand..."
But I realize I'm putting God in a box... limiting what He is capable of doing and his awesomeness.
Written May 8, 2006
It seems I've embarked on a journey of faith... one that has come with so many questions. May 8 was when I put into words what I've felt off and on for quite some time.
With as much gusto and passion as I had within me, I began my pursuit (last week) of what is true. Though much has been weighing on my mind for much longer.
How can we know what is true when there are so many different doctrines floating around? At first, my search kept me far from Catholicism as I've always been taught and always felt that there was something just "not right" about Catholicism. I've always been told that Catholicism can produce "saved" Christians but most often does not and that if they were truly saved, they would eventually find their way out of the Catholic church and all its idolatry and false teachings...
Due to all of this, there are many issues I am facing in my study of Catholicism in hopes to find that I am gravely mistaken...
Marian doctrines
Indulgences
Sacrifice of the Mass
Purgatory
Sacred Tradition WITH Sacred Scripture
This only names a few of them...
How am I to know whether or not the early Church Fathers did not screw up the "traditions"? If the whole Mary thing is not actually idolatry, then what is it and why? How are they able to make such claims of Mary, such as perpetual virginity, immacculate conception, etc?
There are so many questions...
Then there is the emotional aspect of things. I am feeling that I may likely not continue in the non-denominational faith... that when all is said and done, I may end up elsewhere... far from where I've been. Considering the normal position on other denominations that are held by my family, any change will be a blow. It will suddenly be about them... not about MY faith or my growth as a Christian.
But I'm not growing now... and I haven't been growing for quite a long time. I heard it put well that when you believe that once you are saved, you are always saved, it nearly keeps you from living your life the way you were called to live it. You don't fear God because you know you are "saved". But I am thinking now that this is not the way it was intended. We should not be resting solely on that idea. There must be something more.
Every Christian would agree that being "good" is essential to the faith... is this not works and faith? The faith saves while the works are an expression of that faith. If you have no good works, how can you have saving faith?
It seems as if you cannot have one without the other. You must have faith and good works... each by itself is dead.
I have no peace in this journey. Sometimes, I find I am bothered by mere "terms" and "churchy" words. The churches I've attended for the major part of my life have been considered "seeker-sensitive" and they avoid the use of "churchy" words in order to reach everyone where they are at. While I agree with this to an extent, I am beginning to see how faulty this can be. It allows the Christian too much room to be a part of the world around him... There is supposed to be a noticeable difference between Christians and the rest of the world... so why are some trying so hard to fit in with them? We are beginning to lose focus on Christ and what he did for us.
Faith is also not a one time deal. It is a lifelong, life-changing committment that must be worked at continuously. I believe the "once-saved-always-saved" attitude often prevents Christians from growing... individually, within friendships and in their marriages. How easy it is not to build on a spiritual relationship with your spouse if you can simply rest in the fact that you are both "saved"...
I believe the lack of peace I am feeling is essential for my growth while I search for the truth. I don't know where I'll end up when all is said and done but I do know that there are things that are not making much sense to me within the confines of my own non-denominationalism. One thing that keeps popping in my mind is the fact that nothing but Catholicism (at least nothing major) existed until about 500 years ago. Could they have been wrong all that time when they can trace their beginnings to the time of Jesus? The Bible promised that God would protect His church. Am I to believe that all they practiced and taught all those years was incorrect? Wouldn't that mean I'd have to believe that God did not protect the church? That would make him a liar... and would force me to denounce my faith in Him altogether.
Sure, there were times of corruption and you can still find that to this day ANYWHERE... and in all denominations. But if God is protecting his church as he said he would, then essentially all must be as its meant to be.
Admittedly, this has forced me to look deeper into Catholicism and lay aside anything outside of it. Everything outside of it is so divided and chaotic, it's astounding... even to the point that churches are completely losing all morality and doctrine for the sake of society and its pressures.
While I look at all the questions I have individually to try to come to some sort of understanding, I am finding that I may end up having to put my faith and trust in God and where he is leading me. I feel as if he is somewhat distant right now... but for the first time in a long time, I don't fear the answers so much... In fact, I welcome them. I am looking forward to a resolution to the problem of my shaken faith. I want to be focused and to find the joy I've been missing for so long.
How will others understand? How will I ever be able to explain to them that this is my own faith journey... not about them... not about denominations... but about where God himself is taking ME.
I simply want to be open for Him to move me as he wills. For all I know that may bring me right back where I started but it's not the "place" I am searching for... its the joy that God promised me that I long for, where he may lead me and wherever I may find it.
So be it.
posted by Amber at 6:41 PM
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